Episode 23 : Felling down + 2010

I want to be honest.
Dropping grades + class, make me feel extremely down.
I'm really exhausted.
I hate being old.I want to stay 15 forever.
I'm tired.I know people never aspect much from me. Neither do I.
Because I like being second or being in the middle. That's why I never try so hard in anything I do.
Because even if I try so hard, it never work.That's why i giving up on everything.
But I hate being last! I hate being out of everything.
I don't want to be a NOBODY, neither do i want to be a SOMEBODY.
I just want to in the MIDDLE. I want to be ME!
But sometimes, I did try.Maybe not trying so hard. But I did do something that usually I won't do.
And people just don't understand. They never see me. They never did.
And it hurts a lot when you try to do something for somebody but they always fail to see that. And it hurts more when they put the blame on you.
That's how i feel.
That is the one thing that weekend my moves.

I try so hard to make people likes me.
I try so hard to change my attitude.
I try so hard to be a better person.
I try so hard to make people proud of me despite all the negative pieces of me.

And as i try, there are people who see my hard work.
These people make me strong and make me want to work harder.
But it all last for a second.
Until the person who I want to show the best side of me fail to see it.
And it not only weakens me, it also destroy me bit by bit.
Until there is no more goodness left on me.

I did try not to hold on anyone.
I try to be independent.
But I'm just a NOBODY without ANYBODY.
I need someone to hold onto.
I need someone who will be there to see when I fall.
I need someone to tell me to be strong and trust in me.
I need someone to share my happiness (but the sadness I'll keep to myself).

But the one person that i thought could actually be it, is not it.

But know I promise my self.
Starting from today onwards, I'll work even harder for MYSELF.
I'll be the best for MYSELF.
I walk the empty roads by MYSELF.
And I must do things for MYSELF.

But still, I hope people around me supports my back.
Only from your supports I can success.
But never once try to drag me down coz i won't see it anymore.

Until I restore my BEST-self, I will keep silent until then.
Please don't force me to speak. Let me be silent for a long while.
But text me if you need anything (because it doesn't involve talking).
Hope everyone will understand.